I said my last farewell to the most important person in my life... my mother.
There are no words to express how shocking and painful it was to hear such words from my cousin that Nanay passed away - on the very day that I was supposed to surprise her. It was the day of my arrival in Manila where my family was to stay for awhile after Nanay's operation. Such a surprise ended up a tragic one for me. I have to be brought straight from the airport to see Nanay's wake along Araneta Ave.... I just couldn't put the right words how I felt the moment I walked slowly in to the room where she was laid and where the rest of my family was wretchedly waiting for me.... No word was spoken. I cried... and I cried endlessly.
There were regrets, so many what if's and everyone in the family just wanted to blame themeselves (including myself) for what had happened - or for what shouldn't have happened. It's just not possible to digest everything. And for awhile I thought I was just having a bad dream.
As the days passed by... we received flowers, mass cards, prayers and all sorts of support and comfort from relatives and friends and even from people we don't even know. It was just touching to see these people and knew they care and stayed by our side during this time of grief. The love and support that surrounded the family especially those love and prayers offered to Nanay have somehow lighten our load and enlighten us of the real meaning of her death.
We pray for strength... and for us to be strong to deal with the loss of our beloved. What I came to realize was I am not strong enough to face the loss of Nanay - and I will never be strong enough for this huge and sudden loss. Instead, I prayed for total surrender. And I also prayed for acceptance. I came to realize that the time has finally come for me to give back to God what was His in the first place. I have to accept the fact I have to return what was lent to me - my dearest Nanay who have raised me up and made me what I am today. And I can only be thankful for all the years she was with us and for all the years she had lived her life.
Nanay struggled most of her life raising me up and my siblings. She may have her shortcomings.... yet just too many good things to say... too many thank you's. And she may not be the best mother, but she's the greatest Nanay to me.
I have no questions... instead, I surrender to God's will and trust that she'll be given eternal peace. And this time, I will be praying for faith... stronger faith and for me (and the rest of my family) to continue with our lives believing that our dear Nanay is finally spared from further pain and now resting in peace in heaven.
I am still crying and I will definitely be ... not because Nanay passed away but because I am missing her and I will be missing her forever.
